If These Walls Could Talk…
The secrets they could share!
Celebrities, a 70’s Playboy collection, and an Alpha Morphosis Jacuzzi have spent time in the Macallan Suite – but there are more secrets these walls reveal…
Today I bring you a special edition of Adam’s Corner, called “If These Walls Could Talk” Below is an edited transcript of my earlier conversation with the walls of our Keating’s Premier Penthouse room, the Macallan Suite.
Adam: What’s up Big Fella, I appreciate you sitting down with me today.
Macallan Suite: I’ll start off by telling you, if this whole interview is going to be subtle anthropomorphic jokes, playing on my inanimateness then we can stop right here.
Adam: I’ll do my best, but forgive me if I let a couple slide in there… Let’s start with some background – how did you come to be known as The Macallan?
Macallan Suite: I was originally called the Penthouse Imperiale Suite. As you know, all of our Suites here are called Imperiale Suites due to our large size [795 square feet and 16 foot ceilings], but just a few years ago, I had a complete makeover.
Adam: That was when you were redesigned by Macallan, the renowned Scotch Whiskey maker?
Macallan Suite: That’s right. Executives from Scotland met with some incredible designers and made me over. As the Penthouse Suite, I already felt special, but this treatment really contributed to my self-confidence.
Adam: Let’s talk about that – how has it been with the Scottish accent?
Macallan: When no one is around, I watch Braveheart to remind myself, but for the most part, I can get away with an English accent. I just mumble more and shout out “Freedom!” and “God’s Country!” once in a while and that seems to do the trick.
Adam: Ha, and what if someone from England books you?
Macallan: I just stay quiet, which they interpret as subtle indignation – which seems to be in character.
Adam: Interesting. You were saying that you are in demand by the celebrity set. What’s that like?
Macallan: I have learned that there are two different sets of celebrities: Those that think of themselves as celebrities and actual true-to-the-core celebrities.
Adam: I’m dying to know more.
Adam: So besides the obvious treatments: the oak hardwood flooring, copper wrapping on the jacuzzi, the liter of Macallan 15 in the mini-bar, the large bookshelves and man-cave design elements, what are your favorite touches?
Macallan: Well, I’m pretty proud of my dining room table, which is made of original Macallan Whiskey barrels imported from the distillery in Scotland. Also, these one-of-a-kind paintings above my bed, which were made exclusively for this room, which depict the landscapes of the River Spey, where all water for Macallan Whiskey is drawn from. But you know… there is one little element that tickles me, mostly because most guests don’t discover it.
Adam: Oh… an enticing secret. Do tell…
Macallan: Reach over there, on that bookshelf. You see those old magazines? They are more than just a design element to contribute to this lived-in motif. They are a collection of Playboys from the 70’s, before those rags became too salacious, when you could justify owning a Playboy “for the articles.” Go ahead and skim through those, you’ll find articles by Norman Mailer, Ray Bradbury, Margaret Atwood…
Adam: I’ll take your word for it. Let’s get back to your persona as changing from the Penthouse Suite to the Macallan. Did that take some getting used to?
Macallan: Sure. It was jarring, to say the least. My exclusivity went through the roof. I became in-demand and still am. Celebrities were clamoring to stay here, I became Insta-worthy, before there was a name for it. Women wanted to sleep in me. Men wanted to say they had booked me. It took a while to adopt the accent.
Macallan: So your first lot, the ones that think of themselves as celebrities: These are the B-List Celebs, DJ’s, Instagram Influencers, Bravo stars and bench-warming pro athletes. My buddy Lobby tells me that when they check-in their entourage makes a big fuss about ensuring they are recognized. “Don’t ask him why he didn’t return for Season Six,” they’ll whisper to the yawning Concierge. They’re the type that drink the small bottles from the mini-bar, then dispute the charges. They also leave signed head shots as a tip for the Room Attendants. Those end up in the garbage.
The second lot are the true celebrities. They don’t need an introduction. They carry their own bags, but tip just the same as if they had used a bellman. They address the Room Attendants by first name. They drink the Macallan. They return.
Adam: Any names?
Macallan: You know I wouldn’t reveal that.
Adam: You must see some crazy things in this room. Anything especially memorable stick out?
Macallan: Without getting into specifics, I will say that something about the one-of-a-kind Alpha Morphosis Jacuzzi creates magic. It’s as if aphrodisiacs are spilling out of the jets. It’s a good thing I have thick walls. My favorite time of year is Mardi Gras. I have several windows that look out onto the parade route and the festivities. That’s always a blast. Christmas is nice too. Your team always decorates me and I am the only room with its own full-size Christmas tree.
Adam: It’s nice to know it’s appreciated. Any special tips for future guests?
Macallan: I have two actually and they both have to do with drinking. The first is to check the Globe. That’s not a riddle. I have a globe that opens and is stocked with fine spirits. Secondly, request the ice cube. The hotel stocks frozen ice cubes in the freezer and I have an ice ball shaver that can shave it down to a perfect sphere – the best way to enjoy the Macallan.
Adam: Well- thanks for the great tips Macallan, and I appreciated the time you spent with us.
Macallan: My pleasure.
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